Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
