I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
