Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
