He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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