Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
