I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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