As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My vagina is very pro this idea
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
