Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
