my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
