Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
