My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
