I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We have so much sex to catch up on
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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