I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
