Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
