I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
