Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
