I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I want to be your penis for a week.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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