"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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