I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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