I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. š
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He was all āplease donāt bail because Iām missing work for thisā last night
Honey no, I need dick. Iām not going to bail
Randomize
