why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize