apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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