New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
