Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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