Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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