The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
