a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
