I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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