im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
