last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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