Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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