I seem to have left my pride at pride
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
