I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
