i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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