I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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