he wants to bone in the snuggie
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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