I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
