It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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