Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize