After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
