How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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