Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
