i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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