I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
