Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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