Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
