i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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