I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
