Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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