The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
