I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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