my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
