Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
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