we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
