Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize