Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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