I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
