I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
