she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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