I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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