i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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