dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
