I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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