Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
vagina is talking i cant
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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