I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
