im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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