as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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