i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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