Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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