I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
